People lessons

I have been getting so mad at myself lately for not knowing better. This year so far has sucked friendship/relationship wise. I try so hard for people, to go out of my way, to prove (and sometimes buy) my love. Yet I rarely feel the same kind of love back. 80% of the time I feel left out, used and not appreciated. I feel like I put tons of thought into stuff and others are not even phased by it. When I am hurt I'm always scared to tell that person how I feel because I am so scared that they will be mad at me. Be mad at me and treat me even worse. So I end up burying my feelings and proceed to allow them to hurt me. I've never been the type of person to not help a friend out when we try to do something together, if they need to be spotted I'll do it so we can have fun. Sometimes I get paid back, sometimes I don't. I'm definitely not saying its about money, but it sucks to treat people and never get treated back. I go out of my way to include people, invite them to things (even when I know they won't be able to go, just to make them feel wanted) and I get left out in the cold. I'm never thought of it seems like.

However, I can say I have a few select people in my life who have never made me feel this way. Friendship is a team, just like a marriage is a team. It takes effort from two people to make it work. I've gotten rid of a few people in my life for being a toxic friend and I'm proud I was able to do that. I just wish I could stop being SO NICE! I know thats a weird thing to wish for...but it would save me alot of heartache and hurt feelings. I'm tired of giving people the benefit of the doubt, second (and third and fourth) chances, and the special treatment. I want so bad to just do for me, myself and I (plus my husband and children of course)...and to be damned with everyone else. Maybe one day I'll learn my lesson. Or maybe one day I'll grow tougher skin and won't let things affect me so easily. Maybe....just maybe...